With movie ticket prices on the rise, a night out can cost upwards of $50.00 for 2 people. Going to watch a movie is no longer just something to do because we’re bored. It has become an event. Something to be planned out, maybe even saved up for. I mean people are willing to camp out or stand in line for hours just to watch a movie!

I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to put myself through all that hassle, it darn well better be worth it . So I’ve come up with 5 very simple rules to follow that will make sure everyone has a great night at the movies.

Rule #1 – If you’re on time, you’re already late.

It’s a widely know fact that if you want good seats, you get there early. Everyone knows this and yet there are still those people who will show up just as the lights are starting to dim. By this time everyone who was smart enough to get there early has already settled into their tiny seats, had their conversations about how nice the reclining chairs are, and are ready to watch the movie.

That is when the on-timers decide to annoy the entire audience by asking rows of people to either move down so they can have 2 seats together or to contort their bodies into fun shapes so they can squeeze past. They then thank them for this by stepping on their toes and putting their butts in their faces. Those buttfaces!

Then there are the people who show up late because they don’t care about the previews. These people really make me show off my anger management skills and no one likes a show off. The movie is starting and they come in chatting away.

Instead of accepting the consequences of their tardiness and heading to the front row where they belong, they decide to stand right next to you and discuss their lack of seating options as loudly as possible. This is unacceptable! Sit down and shut up!… Please.

Rule #2 – It’s a fine line between excited and obnoxious.

I’m all for getting excited about a great movie. People can cheer, laugh, and clap all they want as long as it is appropriate for the scene. It’s when you have those people woot-wooting or making animal noises during the serious moments that make you want to chuck your gallon of soda that you were suckered into upgrading from a small for just $.25 extra at their big fat heads!

I mean seriously people, animal noises? The only time it’s appropriate to “moo” in public is when you’re driving past some cows. We all do it. At this point it’s just wrong not to, but there are no cows in this movie!

Rule #3 – Don’t just silence your phone, PUT IT AWAY!

Why do people spend all that money to go watch a movie and then spend all their time staring at their phone? We all know to silence our phones but what I think most people don’t understand is that when your very bright cell phone screen turns on in a dark room, we can all see it and it is very distracting.

If you are the person who has your phone permanently attached to your hand at all times, then you need to show up early and get yourself a seat in the back of the theater where it won’t bother anyone. However, if your back row neighbor asks you to shut it off, the appropriate response is “yes, sorry” and then put the stinking phone away!

Rule #4 – The characters can’t hear you talking to them, but everyone else can.

Why is this still an issue?!! Yes, we all know the girl running as fast as she can from the bad guy who is just casually strolling after her will eventually trip and fall and be killed in some gory fashion. This is not going to change no matter how loud you yell for her to “RUN, STUPID, RUN!!” Her fate is sealed. I’m sorry for your loss.

In another equally annoying scenario, if you happen to be one of the lucky ones dating the very pretty, yet very dumb girl who can’t keep up with the basic story line of the film, and therefore have to explain everything that is going on to her, please just spare us all and take her home to watch SpongeBob. Or if you must bring her, buy her some Dots. Those chewy bites of heaven will glue her mouth shut so tight even you might be able to enjoy at least 2 hours of peace.

Rule #5 – You kick my seat, I kick your face.

For those of us who are not vertically challenged, it can be difficult to find a comfortable way to sit in a movie theater. As considerate members of society, it is our responsibility to do our best not to repeatedly kick the seat in front of us. This is no easy task, but it is the burden we must bear.

It’s not just the tall people who are the problem. It’s parents who bring their small children to the 9 pm or later showing of a film. First, it is bedtime! Second, every parent knows that it is nearly impossible to make a child sit still for 2 minutes let alone 2 hours, so why do they still bring them? They squirm and kick and talk and cry the entire time. I get that parents need a night out just like everyone else, but seriously, get a sitter. While I probably won’t kick little Timmy in the face for kicking my seat, I might snatch off his shoe and throw it across the room. Good luck finding it.

I used to love going to the movies but now that people have forgotten how to behave in public, it’s almost easier to just wait for the DVD. This makes me sad.

What movie theater pet peeves do you have?

Katie Baker

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Katie was born and raised on the beautiful islands of Hawaii. She thinks all dogs are boys, all cats are girls, and all giraffes are French.

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