It’s that wonderful time of year again. A time of giving thanks, being with family, and beating the crap out of anyone who stands in the way of you getting the must have toy of the year. Only in America do we spend an entire day giving thanks for all that we have and then fight to the death to save a few bucks on things we don’t need the very next day. It takes strength and dedication to brave the terror of the most blackest of days. Follow these 4 simple guidelines and you might make it out alive… Maybe.

1) If you don’t line up the night before you don’t really love your kids.

Seriously, what are you still doing here? Get dressed, grab your coffee, and go get in line! There’s no time to worry about how you look. Being well-kept is actually counterproductive. The key is to dress for function and not for fashion. November is cold so be sure to layer up. Don’t bother doing your hair, you’re going to want to put that under a beanie anyway.

The point is to look as broke down and tired as possible to give the impression that you have been to hell and back. This proves that you love your family more than they love theirs.

If you’re only mildly fond of your children you may want to avoid the line and just wake up at the butt-crack of dawn and make your way down to Wal-Mart, Target, Kohls, pick your favorite. Now, there will be the diehards who have been lined up in the cold all night. These people will be tired and most likely grumpy. You would do well to respect these people and their place in line. No cutsies or you will get cut.

2) Have a game plan.

Surviving Black Friday is all about strategy and efficiency. Go to the store beforehand and get to know the layout. You want to know where every item on your list is in the store and the quickest route to each one. Be sure to wear grippy shoes. If you trip you will be trampled.

Have a back up plan in case of a sell out. Stores only keep a small amount of merchandise in stock, and on Black Friday it will all be out on the floor. It does no good to ask an employee if they have more in the back. The answer is no. That is if you can get an employee to answer you at all. Be aware that the employees hate you. The sooner you accept that the easier it will be.

3) Keep your dukes up.

It’s important to be courteous to your fellow shoppers but don’t be afraid to throw some elbows should the need arise. This is an important tip so pay attention. The holidays turn mothers into desperate and vicious women. They will punch, scratch, and bite to make sure their kid gets what they want for Christmas.

I don’t have kids of my own but I’ve seen first hand the screaming fits of rage that ensue when a child opens all of their gifts just to find that they did not get the one thing they wanted more than anything else in the whole wide world. The one goal of every mother is avoid this rage at all costs. So take care around these woman. Be kind to them…or else!

4) Don’t forget to buy yourself something pretty. You deserve it!

If you’ve managed to survive and get all the items on your list, then congratulations. You worked hard and made painful sacrifices for the ones you love or are mildly fond of. Now it’s time to take advantage of these awesome sales and buy yourself a little happy.

All year-long we see so many things that we want but decide not to buy because there are more important things to spend our money on. Now is the time of year to make up for all that sacrifice. These sales only come around once, maybe 10 times a year so it’s important to take advantage while you can.

The beauty of starting your day so early is that by around 9am you’re done. Now you get to go home, make a big breakfast, and tend to your wounds. I also recommend a nap.

Now if you’re like me, meaning lazy, and allergic to mornings and cold weather you can just wait until the following Monday, also known as Cyber Monday and do all your shopping online.

Are you ready for this…

Will you be shopping on Black Friday?

Katie Baker

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Katie was born and raised on the beautiful islands of Hawaii. She thinks all dogs are boys, all cats are girls, and all giraffes are French.

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