All right, so if you haven’t noticed, I am slightly fond of Doctor Who. And by slightly fond I mean completely obsessed. I stare at statues far longer than I should, you know… just in case. I also think my dishwasher sounds like the TARDIS is landing in my kitchen.

Okay, you get the point. So, with all this talk of Matt Smith becoming a big time Hollywood star and leaving the show I’ve been able to write about who I think should replace him and who it should be if they decide to go with a female Doctor so I thought I’d round out the series with who I think should not replace him. I’m talking about the worst possible choices here, people. Come, laugh with me.

Keanu Reeves

When you look at Keanu you can almost picture it. He has good hair and looks great in a suit. He’s a bit quirky and he could be funny but only on accident. You start to think maybe he would be a good Doctor, but then you hear him speak… You know that saying that “children should be seen and not heard’? I believe the children part should be replaced with Keanu.

On a superficial level you would think he could make a decent Doctor. He has the looks and some would say the charm, but the sad truth is every time he opens his mouth to speak your IQ plummets. He could be reciting Einstein’s Theory of Relativity verbatim and still sound a little slow. Oh, and heaven help us if he ever tried to play it with his laughably bad British accent. Have you heard it?! Its so bad its kinda funny.

Steven Seagal

With every Doctor there is that moment where he grabs the hand of his companion and takes off running with her to save the universe. I always look for that whenever the Doctor gets a new companion. It means she’s a keeper and her life is about to become exciting and scary and more fun than she can ever imagine. I mean, who wouldn’t want to run away with the Doctor?!

The thought of Steven Seagal as the Doctor has me questioning if I would run away with him or not. He’s not very clever, or witty. He would look terrible in a bow tie and he has that very off-putting pony tail thing. What is that?! I know what your thinking, I better be careful because Steven Seagal is a ninja but honestly, I think I could take him. I mean, have you seen him run? It’s like his arms do little windmills for extra speed. I could not run away with a man who runs like this.

Steve Buscemi

If you’ve watched Doctor Who you know the Doctor is charming, compassionate, and exciting. The Doctor is not a creepy dude that you fear would murder you in your sleep. Now I’m sure Mr. Buscemi is a perfectly nice and normal guy but I take one look at him and fear for my life a little.

Steve Buscemi is a very good actor and he’s also very funny. The problem I have is that I’ve only ever seen him as the creeper in every movie he has every played. Hollywood has made me distrust him as a person and The Doctor should be trustworthy. I mean, would you want to spend alone time in the TARDIS out in the middle of space where no one can hear you scream with this guy?… No thank you.

The Runner Ups

There were many runner ups for who I thought would make a terrible Doctor. You are free to add to this list as well in the comments. Tell me who and why and lets see who can come up with the worst! My runner ups include:

  • Joe Pesci
  • Danny DeVito
  • Hulk Hogan

Ha! Could you imagine?!

Who do you think would be the worst Doctor?

Katie Baker

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Katie was born and raised on the beautiful islands of Hawaii. She thinks all dogs are boys, all cats are girls, and all giraffes are French.

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